My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
