chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
