and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
