I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
