I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
