Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
