I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
