Kareoke will never be a sober sport
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
