After last night, I could never be a politician.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
