Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
