This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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