I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
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Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
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And then the night went full on bisexual.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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