i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
