my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
