it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
