i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I looked at my own cervix.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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