Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
