So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them