I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
