and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.