you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
