hotel room ftw
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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