I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
