Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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