Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
