oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
