he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
