I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
this will be a night to untag.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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