all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
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I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
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We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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