Have you finally orgasmed yet?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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