Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
