Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
