my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize