I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Randomize
