I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.