He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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