You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.