I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
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Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
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It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?