I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?