Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
