He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
