I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
