Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
