People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
