8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
