It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Can i not drive my cunt home
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
