those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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