my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
