you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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