I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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