I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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