Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
