how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You left your phone here
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