oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
