her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You pole danced in your parka.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
