When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
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I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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