sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
