Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the day after is always just damage control
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
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She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
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We're not piercing ourselves today.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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