If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
