K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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