Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
