I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
