hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Of course I have a pirate flag
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
