peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
