Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
