When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
